Are there any other parents here that are bullied by their teenager?

Have you considered putting her in a program that can help her deal with her obvious anger issues? This is not something that is just going to go away on her own, nor do I think weekly therapy sessions are enough. She is an abuser and needs to get help ASAP before she gets bigger physically and old enough where you can no longer mandate her to get help.

-CK

Your daughter is exceptionally angry and acting in anti-social ways...this is obvious. Her diagnosis may have been Oppositional Defiant Disorder http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002504/

It sounds like she's moving on to what we call: Conduct Disorder.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/conduct_disorder

I used to work in groups homes and with teens on probation- honestly it sounds like she is moving towards that quickly. She is still young and can be helped, but you will need to act quickly. It sounds like you are feeling very helpless and she is running the show in your home..she does not respect rules or authority and is so angry that she is harming others and has realized quickly that this feeling of rage can be powerful. Its' likely that she knows other's walk on egg shells around her and that they don't really like her but are afraid of her- having realized that being liked for who you are was not something that came easy she found another avenue. Its likely that she impulsive, cruel, rageful and also..very sad..although you may not see that part. SHe needs to see a therapist or be enrolled in a program for those who specialize in Anti-social behavior or Conduct Disorder. Normal therapy & group therapy will NOT...I repeat will NOT work. A girl like this should NOT be in group therapy until she is under control and stabilized..she will only do what you saw, which is to harm and control others. She is still young, but she needs to build a relationship with an authority figure that she respects. This is KEY, which is why she needs to see someone who really understands CONDUCT DISORDER. She needs to see a psychiatrist (someone who gives medication) and be evaluate for a group home, particuarly if she is too dangerous around you.
Please read this again, she needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist..soon. She may qualify for a group home setting, which will give you respite for awhile and she will get additional counseling and round the clock staff intervention. She needs to be around authority figures that will give her consequences that she does not want- this will lay the seeds that will can turn into respect for authority.
This is a girl who desperately needs boundaries, rules and structure, but who pushes against in b/c she is out of control. Message me if you need more assistance. I've was involved with Probation youth for 7 years and know how hard this is for you, its' not easy and you need help.

Best,
Kellie Montgomery< LMFT

If you would like additional support, you can reach me at the following link
http://online-counseling.supportgroups.com/index.php?_o=Bio&_m=bio&model...

I just want everynone to know that no matter how done or down you're feeling, I knowwwwwwwwwwww everyone says it's going to get better, and it really is true. I hit rock bottom. I wanted to commit suicide, but I held off. I was talking to a friend of mine who told me that sometimes people really just need to hit rock bottom before you can start going up, and once you get to the point of suicide you've generally hit rock bottom. And the only way you can go from there is up. That's the only option. And that is the way I've gone. I was still struggling today but you know, I decided it was time to be happy again. And I decided to be happy. And instantaneously when I made that decision, I felt sooo incredibly much better. And I'm not faking it! Normally I fake my happiness, but I truly am happy! I was happy for 2 months with my boyfriend for the first time in YEARS and then he hurt me and I was back to being soo sad. Now I'm feeling like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and my chest. It's incredible! I went out with my family to eat dinner feeling that happiness and for the first time I was actually noticed.. My waiter noticed me and was clearly interested in me. It was as if he could feel the happiness coming off of me. And he made an obvious attempt to get me to come work at the restraunt when we asked if they were hiring. We were leaving and he had the directions to apply online in his hand and was heading my way to hand it to me. Now the purpose of this is to let you know, no matter how down you are, no matter how worthless you are feeling, it REALLY WILL get better. I PROMISE YOU THAT. Don't give up. Don't do it. It's not worth it. I haven't felt this great in years. And I want you to feel the same. This is going out to everyone. I'm going to post it everywhere. It will get better. Please Do Not Give Up.

I too have a 14 year old, and am going through very similar things with him. He's been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, bordering on Conduct disorder. He also has ADHD and some other issues, but the thing our kids have in common is the same behavior. He is spending this week in a psychiatric hospital for adolescence because he was feeling suicidal. Part of what triggered him to feel suicidal is that I put in a petition with the court for him to be found Incorrigible by the court and to be put on probation so that he will have a higher authority to follow than me, since he takes my rules as jokes, refuses to go to school, refuses to do schoolwork, bullies the people at school, including teachers, bullies me into bending rules. He throws massive temper tantrums when he is trying to get his way, getting violent and throwing things. Now, with him being put on probation he can't get away with that, or he'll go to Juvenile detention. He's scared to go there, but honestly now that I've done a lot of crying and reality has hit me he might just NEED to go there, if not once, then maybe a few times, and be on probation for a while. I was always - until recently- so afraid of what would happen to him in there, but then I realized that the stress of what he was doing everyday was killing me. I'm the only parent he's got that does anything for him, and if I'm gone, then who does he have. It sounds like your daughter might be in a similar situation, she needs you to be here, but you have to get control of her, and get yourself healed from all this. It's bullying and abuse that she's doing to you and your son. You are her parent and as far as I know in all states you can petition the juvenile court that your child is incorrigible.. they will be sure she's on probation and probation will be sure she's following rules... some of them will be their rules, and some your rules, be sure you let her know they are your rules too. At first, she'll be angry that she's on probation, that she has to follow rules, but honestly if you... we.. don't get our kids to turn their behavior around now and stop being abusive, they are going to spend a lot of their grown lives in jail.. and or worse, she may end up dead if she tries to bully a gang member like you mentioned.
It's scary, really scary to have to stand firm up against an abuser, even if that abuser is your own child. I know, I'm doing it right now too. I hope you are ok, and I hope you can get her in for a mental health evaluation, there are medications that might help with the depression she has, as well as maybe something to calm her down.
For what it's worth you're not alone. When my son get's out of the hospital he has to go back to court for his probation and all of that. I know I can't fix him myself tho, I've finally realized that, but with help, maybe he will be ok. Maybe with help you can help your daughter be ok too, and you will end up fine yourself.
It's been a while since you first posted this, I do hope you are alright.